There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
