im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
