even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
