i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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