everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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