I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
