that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
