i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
