allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
