why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
