I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
