i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
