and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
