watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Vodka?
Forever.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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