On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
