Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
