there's paper in my vomit.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
