so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
fuck your aforementioned shoe
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize