I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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