Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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