people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
