I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
