well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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