well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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