youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
