I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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