We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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