im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
