I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
