Im at strip club and am horny
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
