there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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