omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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