if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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