mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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