If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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