I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
