My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
