Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
