I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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