When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
