I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
