my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
