I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Randomize
