i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
