I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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