Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
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