He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
