I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
This is my gift to your gina
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
