your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Randomize
