her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
