Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize