someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
