I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize