I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
